


The Marauders Mark II

by HogwartsSchoolOfWitchcraftAndWizardry, Satirrian



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, HP: Epilogue Compliant, Harry Potter Next Generation, Humor, James Sirius is James Potter reincarnated, Major Original Character(s), Marauders, Marauders Friendship, POV James Sirius Potter, Potions is best class, Snakes are cool, They are all geeks, everyone is a sass master, pranksters, so many references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-06-09 11:51:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6904984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HogwartsSchoolOfWitchcraftAndWizardry/pseuds/HogwartsSchoolOfWitchcraftAndWizardry, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satirrian/pseuds/Satirrian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's finally James Sirius Potter's turn to go Hogwarts, and he's looking forward to it almost as much as Albus' face when he gets his prank letter in the mail. Along with an American ninja, a sarcastic Slytherin, and a shy half-giant, James is going to turn Hogwarts around. Or at least sideways. Maybe just five degrees to the right. Still, Hogwarts will never be the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bully-Who-Lived

**Author's Note:**

> This work is co-authored by me and another person who prefers to use the pseudonym Satirrian. You may also find it on fanfiction.net under the author Satirrian.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is tired of the fame, this girl is insane, and someone’s a pompous prat.

As James Sirius Potter walked through the barrier between platforms nine and ten, he tried to think of five different ways to trick Albus into believing there was a fifth Hogwarts house. He had to make it believable. It was kept secret because— no, no, his memory was wiped— wait, there’s a world-wide conspiracy—

James’ train of thought slowed to a halt. He couldn’t ignore the mounting whispers any longer. His father squeezed his shoulder.

 _Is that him?_ he thought he heard. _Harry?_ The _Harry Potter?_

_Who’s that next to him? Is his son going to Hogwarts?_

_Did you hear that, honey, Harry Potter’s son is going to Hogwarts!_

_Daddy, daddy, who’s that boy over there? The one next to Harry Potter?_

James tried to tune them out. He loved his dad. He really did. But right now he hated him. Really, having a famous parent should have been amazing. It should be brilliant. Yet look at him. He was Harry Potter’s kid. He would bet five galleons that half these people didn’t give a flying snitch about his own damn name. Sometimes it just was too much. Teddy was smart to have run ahead.

He felt a gentle touch on his arm and turned to see his mother stepping onto the platform behind him. James tried to smile but the loud whispers coupled with his nerves turned it into a weak twitch of his lips. He must have looked more nervous than he thought because his mother gave him a sympathetic glance and moved to stand next to him, placing a hand on his back and giving him an encouraging nudge forward.        

“You’re gonna love it there, James,” his dad said.

“So you’ve been saying for the past three hours,” James griped.

“That’s because it’s _true,_ ” he grinned back, ignoring his son’s whining.

Ginny interrupted. “Oh, let up on him, Harry. He’s practically shaking out of his skin.”

“Am not!”

Harry stopped walking and crouched on one knee, looking into James’ eyes. “I wish I could go with you.”

James was distinctly uncomfortable and tried to look anywhere but directly at his father, the whispers suddenly heightening into a white noise in his ears. “It’s my turn now, Dad. Stop stealing the moment.” He wasn’t even sure if he was joking or not.

Harry laughed and stood up. “I think you’re going to be fine.” He stretched to ruffle James’ messy hair.

James dodged out of his father’s reach and a smile finally broke through. The train whistled, making them all jump.

“You’d better run, James,” his mum said, pushing him toward one of the train doors.

James paused for a moment, then quickly turned back and gave his mum a tight hug. Then he pulled away, picked up his heavy trunk, and called back to his parents, “I’ll mail you soon!” He saw them wave goodbye, then faced forward, lugging his trunk into the doorway of the Hogwarts Express and wishing suddenly that Teddy hadn’t left him to fend for himself.   _Some_ people just didn’t realize that eleven year olds had very little upper body strength. And to think that James had kept his secret about snogging Victoire behind the shed for the entire summer! Ungrateful idiot.

He huffed in annoyance. Or was it the weight? By the time he had gotten the trunk up the stairs, he was sweating and panting. He paused, wiping his forehead, and looked around, trying to decide which way to go. James chose to head to the back of the train, picked up his trunk, and marched ahead, looking forward to finding some quiet. It wasn’t long before the dreaded gawking began. As he walked along the aisle, shocked gasps and whispers snaked into his ears. He kept his head high and straight as a few people looked through their windows and stuck their heads out of their compartment doors to get a better look at him. Wait, not _him._ Harry Potter’s kid.

There was no escape, was there? Quickly, he peered into the very last compartment of the car, and found it blissfully empty. He moved inside, dragged his luggage in behind him, and slammed the door shut. He dropped into the seat with a sigh. Finally, some quiet. He sat there and caught his breath. A moment passed, and the train whistled for the last time. With a lurch, the train set off. Because his compartment was on the opposite side of the train from the loading platform, he couldn’t wave goodbye to his parents again. No real loss there, he tried to tell himself. He stretched out on the seat and stared out the window.

Very soon, the smog-filled skies of London fell behind, bringing the fields and forests of the countryside into view. As James stared out the window, wondering how he could convince anyone that the name Potter was just a coincidence and of no relation to the famous Boy-Who-Lived, the gentle rocking motion of train lulled him into a trance.

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew a bunch of screams and a loud crash came from the front of the car.

Less than a minute later, someone’s boot kicked down his sliding compartment door. This someone promptly tripped and landed on her face on the floor in front of him. She must have been used to it because she hopped up, and stuck out her hand to shake.

“Hi!”

James stared at her. She seemed like a tornado of chaos. He couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. When he finally calmed down enough, she had seated herself across from him, smiling broadly, completely unoffended.

She wore a bright green muggle t-shirt with a picture of a car on it, blue jeans, and an orange bandanna tied around her braided brown hair. Her skin was dark and her eyes were bright.

“You need some help?” James chuckled.

“Yeah, I do. I need someone to be the lookout, like, right now.”

Her American accent threw him for a moment. “The lookout?”

“I need to go steal my bags back from the compartment I was in before. I’m, like, completely sure that the seat came to life and _ate_ my lunch.”

“Seriously?”

“Nah, but definitely sounded awesome, right? I had you going there!”

“Hey, this may be the Hogwarts Express, but none of the seats eat things. At least in recent years.”

“Aw, c’mon.” She was smirking now. “I could be telling the truth!”

“I’d believe you if you said your trunk turned invisible. That actually happened last year. It was all over the news.”

“No way!”

“You’re right. Never happened.”

Surprised, she burst out into loud laughter. “I like you— uh, what’s your name?”

James looked at her uncertainly. Would she know who he was? He should just tell her. Or maybe lie. No, get it over with. Lying would be too annoying to keep up. He should just tell her. He sighed and hoped for the best.

“It’s James Potter.”

“James,” she said slowly, as if testing it for quality. “James. Jamie. Jim. Jimmy. Jim-bo. Jimothy?”

“ _James_ ,” he emphasized, “Just James.”

“Jamie,” she finalized.

“I’m going to kill you.”

“I’d like to see you try, Jambo.”

“But I can’t kill people until I learn their names.”

“Well, it’s Diana. Call me Dai. I like to give people a sporting chance.”

They shook hands. James realized that this strange girl, Diana, must not yet know the legend of his father. It was unbelievably freeing. “Well, Dai, why’d you feel the need to kick my door in?”

“Because I am a super secret assassin, Jimmy, duh!” She karate chopped the air between them. Even after only knowing Dai for five minutes, James resigned himself to being called any nickname imaginable. “Because some people don’t listen when someone tells them not to scare a snake,” Dai continued.

James felt understandably confused.

“What?”

“Okay, okay, so I brought my pet snake, Charlie, to school with me and I wanted to bring her out of her cramped cage so told the other kids in the compartment not to freak out. Guess what they did?”

“They freaked out?”

“They freaked out,” she yelled. “They scared poor Charlie so bad that she shot back into her cage and won’t come back out! Then they kicked me out for scaring them, those wimps.”

“Seriously!? How dare they!”

“I know, and she’s not even venomous,” Dai grumbled, sulking in her seat.

At that moment someone gingerly knocked on the sliding door that was barely staying upright, seemingly by pure luck. The interrupter glanced toward it. It was an older student with some bad acne, bushy eyebrows and a badge pinned to his robes that said Prefect.

“It’s time to put your robes on, we will be reaching Hogwarts soon,” he paused, considering the barely attached sliding compartment door, “Do I even want to know?”

Dai smiled. “That depends. You’ll have to be inducted into our secret society of awesomeness first. If you survive the training you might possibly be able to— ”

The Prefect left.

“Huh,” said Dai, “What’s _his_ deal?”

She made eye contact with James and they burst out laughing. Once they had calmed down again, James reminded her that she needed to get her robes from her trunk. Her brow furrowed.

“How should we do that?”

“We could just walk in, you know.”

“But that’s boring, it needs to be exciting, memorable!” She jumped to her feet, hands on her hips, and began pacing.

James smirked. “I think you’ve left an impression already. I mean, how many first years get kicked out of a compartment and break down a door?”

She paused, thinking. “Two.”

“Two?”

“Yes. Me, and now, you. Get up, we’re breaking down another door.” She grabbed his arm and dragged him up.

James halted just outside their broken compartment door. “Are you kidding me? We can’t just break down a door without a plan.”

“We do have a plan! Break the door.” She pulled him further down the hallway.

James stopped, running a hand through his spiky black hair. “Okay, okay. Um, I’ll open the door, cause a huge distraction, you sneak inside, grab your stuff, then we’re out, easy.”

Dai stopped and turned to him sheepishly. “Maybe you’re good for something after all. I forgot we actually _needed_ something from them.”

After that, Dai directed him toward the compartment she was tossed out of earlier. James was thinking of a distraction. He glanced at his reflection in a window. Well, _duh_.

“Ready, set, GO!” Dai whispered.

James lifted up his foot just like Dai must have done with James’ door, and slammed it down onto the plywood surface. Immediately it felt like every single one of his toes broke in half and he clutched at his foot, letting out a hiss between clenched teeth. The door remained stubbornly intact. James shot an annoyed look at Dai.

“You gotta use your core. Push with your full weight!” Dai demonstrated a few kicks.

James steeled his nerves. This was going to be harder than he had expected. James lifted his foot again, and this time, he successfully kicked the sliding door open.

Inside the compartment, three girls glared at him with annoyance and confusion, so he placed his hands on his hips, and announced loudly, “Hi everyone, I’m James Potter! Yes, that’s right, Potter, as in _the_ Harry Potter.” The girls’ mouths dropped open.

It was painfully obvious when Dai rolled into the compartment, but the first years were still so confused and so completely awestruck by James that they didn’t pay any attention to her at all. She pulled her luggage off the seat onto the floor, causing a loud thump. To cover the noise, James spoke again.

“Yes, my father defeated Voldemort seventeen years ago at the very place we’re going!”

Dai slid her snake’s cage off the seat, put it under her arm and began inching out of the compartment. Once she was in the clear, James spoke one last time.

“You won’t be Slytherin! You’d have to like snakes for that.” He ran out before they could understand what he meant.

James and Dai collapsed into their compartment, laughing maniacally. Dai dropped her trunk and placed her cage on the seat.

“What was that about?” she asked. “They acted like you were some celebrity!”

“I happen to look like some wizarding savior from a few years back. Everyone always makes it too big of a deal.”

Dai frowned a little bit. “Know how that feels.”

James was surprised but forgot for the time being as a female voice announced throughout the train, “We will be reaching the station in five minutes. Please change into your robes. Your trunks and cages will be taken to the castle separately.”

Being reminded of the reason for their impromptu adventure in the first place, they split up to put their robes on. Dai returned and James had to laugh again.

“You’re supposed to put the tie _on_ , and clasp _closed_ the black robe.”

“That’s stupid,” Dai declared, effectively ending the conversation. Although, James secretly thought she didn’t know how to tie the tie, so she had simply ignored it.

The remaining minutes were passed with discussions of what the new year would be like, and James found he had to explain what the Houses were. Dai said she wanted to be a Slytherin, just so her snake would feel more at home.

James didn’t know what to say to that, but he was worried. He wanted to be a Gryffindor, and he doubted he’d be put in Slytherin, anyway. He just hoped they ended up in the same House. Dai was the only person James had met who didn’t compare him to his dad. Plus, she was fun.

Before long, the train rolled to a halt in Hogsmeade Station.

 

    ***

James felt like his stomach was tying itself into knots. He had zoned out after clambering into the boat—  only taking in his first glimpse of Hogwarts with a sort of glazed amazement—  too worried about losing his first real friend to another House. James jumped in surprise when Hagrid knocked loudly on the huge doors. Dai turned to him and grinned, “Finally, you’ve come back to us. I thought you were lost to Mordor.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, us.” She pointed over her shoulder, “that’s Kelly and that’s Sammy. They were in the boat with us.”

James blinked. “Right. Yes, I knew that. Sorry, I’m just a little stressed.”

Sammy was a tall girl with long brown hair and a warm smile. “It’s no problem.”

Kelly’s blonde hair shook as she snickered.

“Okay, let’s do this!” Dai called, as the giant doors to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry seemingly opened of their own accord. At first, James thought no one was there. Would they have to find their own way to the Great Hall? Then he looked down.

A tiny man with wispy white hair and green robes was standing in front of him, looking amusedly at the group.

James whispered to Dai, “Are all the professors this short?”

Dai shrugged.

“Hello, Professor Flitwick,” Hagrid, the friendly half-giant with streaks of white in his bushy mane of hair, greeted. Hagrid often visited the Potter home, so James knew him well. They hadn’t yet received the chance to catch up.

“Hello, Hagrid,” replied the small man, giving an amused chuckle when half the first years jumped in surprise. Turning to the first years, he said, “Let me be the first to welcome you to Hogwarts, young students! I am the Deputy Headmaster, and I will escort you to the Entrance Hall.”

With those words, he pointed his wand towards himself, gave it a swish (or was it a flick) and rose above the floor, allowing all the new students to see him properly.

“C’mon, yeh firsties,” Hagrid rumbled cheerfully. Turning to Flitwick, he said “I’ll be off, I need to take care o’ the thestrals.”

As he walked back the way they had come, James, Dai, and the other first years followed the tiny floating professor into the castle. He led them through various corridors and up and down staircases until they ended up in a small room. James didn’t know where. He had lost track of how many turns they had made.

“What now?” James asked.

“Hell if I know,” said Dai.

“Of course you don’t. Why did I even bother?”

“You like the sound of my charming voice.”

“I think I’m going to miss the sound of silence. Already, I’m losing the memory…”

Dai punched his arm.

Professor Flitwick chose this time to speak to the group of thirty or so students. “Now, in a moment, I will lead you into the Great Hall, where you will be Sorted into one of the four Houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Being part of a House is a wonderful opportunity if taken advantage of. Your House will be like your family while at school. There are certain rules you must all abide by. Following them may gain you points, but breaking these rules will cause you to lose points. The House point system is setup to offer rewards for good deeds, and penalties for misdemeanors. The rules will be further elaborated on by the Headmistress. Now, if you all understand, I will go see if it is time for the Sorting.”

Flitwick lowered himself back to the ground, and swept through a door on the opposite side of the room that James hadn’t noticed. Looking around, James realised that half the students seemed to be in a state of complete panic.

He heard someone scoff. James turned to see a bulky boy with light brown hair and a prominent chin leaning against the wall with an air of superiority.

“Do we need to be Sorted if we already _know_ we’re going to the best House?” he drawled, rolling his eyes.

James crossed his arms. “And how do you know where you’ll be placed?”

“ _I_ know where I’ll be placed. It’s the same House as my father, _a war hero._ ”

Coldly, James asked, “And who is your father?”

“You’ve probably heard of him. He’s _very_ famous.”

“Oh?”

The boy shook his head condescendingly, “I thought you would have recognized me since I look just like him, but I suppose you must be an ignorant Muggleborn. My father is—”

“Is your father Harry Potter?” James butted in, his voice full of fake excitement. “I heard his son was coming to Hogwarts this year!”

The boy was caught off guard. Awkwardly, he started to say, “Uh, no, not exactly…”

But James wasn’t done. “Wow! That’s so cool. Imagine your dad being the Boy-Who-Lived! I couldn’t do it.”

The boy was glaring now, cheeks flushed red with embarrassment and anger.

Clapping him on the shoulder, James walked away with a few last words. “Looking forward to the year, eh, Potter?”

He walked over to the other side of the room, joining Dai, Kelly, and Sammy. Another boy was hovering protectively around Sammy, but otherwise wasn’t speaking to anyone. Dai didn’t say anything about the exchange, but she could tell he was furious.

No more than a minute later, there was a high-pitched shriek from the big-headed boy. “Augh— That was horrible! My father warned me about those bloody things!”

That heralded the entrance of “those bloody things,” also known as the gray Hogwarts ghosts. James realized that one of them must have passed through the boy and grinned vindictively. He felt much better now.

One of the ghosts, in Medieval clothing complete with a ruff, broke off from his conversation with a portly, jolly-looking ghost, and scanned the sea of first years, seemingly looking for someone.

“Wow, ghosts!” Dai called. “Where’re my salt rounds?!” She laughed at her own joke. A few people looked at her strangely.

Finally, the ghost seemed to find what he was looking for and floated over to James.

“Harry Potter!” the ghost greeted. “What have you done to your hair? And I thought you wore glasses? Nevermind, the living change so frequently! It’s so good to see you again!”

James could do nothing but stand there awkwardly. Did this ghost really think he was his dad?

The ghost laughed. “Oh, I know who you are, James! You look more like the your grandfather than you do your father, truthfully.”

James sighed in relief. He moved to respond when Dai suddenly jumped, as if she got dashed by cold water. “Wait, I know that name! He’s the dude who killed the other dude and saved the thing!”

James glanced at her nervously.

“He’s cool,” Dai said.

“You’re lame,” James responded.

“Your _face_ is lame.”

“Wow. Great comeback.”

An unholy roar of pure fury came from across the room. “YOU’RE HIM? YOU’RE HARRY POTTER’S SON? YOU LITTLE—  YOU’VE PLAYED ME!” And the rude boy from earlier charged across the room straight for James, ready to throttle him.

James backed against the wall, watching his incoming, inescapable doom. It was like having an angry troll run toward him. There was no escape. But just as the boy was about to reach James, he froze in place, one arm outstretched, face forming an ugly snarl.

A voice squeaked “Fighting already? Ah well, time for the Sorting!”

Professor Flitwick was back, and his wand was pointed at the frozen boy. James edged along the wall, heading toward Flitwick and the open door. The friendly ghost told James he would see him at the feast, and followed the other ghosts through the wall into the Great Hall. Dai and the rest of the first years followed James’ lead, leaving only the rude boy stuck in the corner. Flitwick unfroze him with a wave and told them all to get in two even lines. The professor spared a moment to look at James resignedly. With a minute of shuffling, the group of children somehow managed.

“Ready?” Professor Flitwick asked. “Let’s go!”

They followed the deputy Headmaster through the door to meet their fate.


	2. The Time James Potter Heroically Dodged A Projectile Fork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decidedly more violent Sorting occurs.

James entered the Great Hall and thought that nothing—  not even that time Uncle George set fire to all the shops along Diagon Alley in a fireworks mishap—  absolutely nothing could look better. On his right was a high table where he guessed the professors sat. On his left sat the students, separated into four long tables. He immediately glanced up because one of the few things he knew about the Great Hall was that—

“What happened to the ceiling?” Dai whispered. “I don’t like eating in the rain. Your bread gets all soggy.”

James smiled cheekily. “It was destroyed during the Final Battle. They were too lazy to make a new one, so they left it.”

“Are you  _ stupid? _ ” said someone in a scathing tone. James turned around to the student behind him. It was a pale boy with sharp features and black hair that fell like a curtain around his face. He looked perpetually tired. “They made a new ceiling that only appears on Tuesdays. Get your facts straight.”

“Ah, how could I have forgotten?” James said, smirking, knowing full well that the ceiling was simply enchanted to look like the sky. He got the feeling that the other boy knew that as well. Dai looked happy to go along with whatever she was told as long as her bread didn’t get soggy.

There was a stool in front of the professors’ table, and on it was a large, old, patchy witch’s hat. As James stared at it, waiting, the Hall grew quieter until silence reigned, and the seam along the hat’s brim split open. Then, the hat began to sing. 

_ “I am no bowler hat nor simple witch’s cap, _

_ Nor am I a top hat or a mistaken mishap,   _

_ Tis I, the Sorting Hat, all raggedy and old, _

_ As has always been, my voice is loud and bold. _

 

_ My thoughts still shrewd and wise, _

_ My choices met with cheers and happy cries, _

_ I will send you to the place you best fit, _

_ Be it the Eagles, the Tower, the Badgers, or the Pit _

 

_ Of Hogwarts houses there are four, _

_ Now leave your prejudice at the door. _

_ All were made different and none the same, _

_ Yet all desire an identical aim. _

 

_ Gryffindors are full of bravery and heart, _

_ But sometimes do not think before they start, _

_ This impulse which needs to balance and calm, _

_ The other houses must work to create a balm. _

 

_ Hufflepuffs are hardworking and helpful to a fault _

_ To busy helping others, they lock their troubles in a vault _

_ Other Houses, aid them for they will not complain _

_ Taking on too much, until they go insane _

 

_ Ravenclaw holds wisdom and knowledge highest in esteem _

_ But often cannot realize their actions from their dreams _

_ Others must help them learn to actualize each thought _

_ Or all of their worthy ideas would all have been for naught _

 

_ Slytherin strives for greatness, no matter the cost _

_ And show no care for what others have lost _

_ The Houses must guide them to think and respect _

_ The emotions of others, before they get wrecked _

 

_ The Sorting Hat will place you right, I swear, _

_ For when I sit upon your head and hair, _

_ I see your wishes, hopes, and dreams, _

_ And Sort you where the best fit seems.” _

Everyone clapped, creating a thunderstorm of appreciation. They all seemed to really go nuts over the Hat’s songs. James was unimpressed.  

“He might’ve been a tad off key,” he whispered to Dai, clapping half-heartedly along with everyone else. She didn’t get a chance to respond as the Deputy Headmaster began to speak, now holding a roll of parchment. 

“When I call your name, sit down on the stool. I will place the Hat on your head, and you will be Sorted. Afterwards, please take a seat with the rest of your housemates. I wish you all good luck!”

It was finally happening, James thought. His nervousness returned with a vengeance. Dai was smiling so wide that it looked like her face would split open, her excitement radiating off her in waves. The black-haired student from earlier looked paler than he did before, and he was biting his bottom lip. 

Finally, the small man called out the first name, “Al-Abbas, Naos!” The silence was heavy over the group of first years. 

A dark-skinned student strode to the stool, looking as calm as a still pool. James thought he was so collected that he could face down a rampaging Whomping Willow without even blinking. Perhaps that could be arranged, James thought. But all in good time. 

Professor Flitwick, true to his word, put the old hat on the student’s head, and the brim came down to cover his eyes. A second passed, with the majority of the Great Hall already resuming conversations with their housemates. 

Suddenly, the seam split open again, and the hat yelled, “RAVENCLAW!”

The table of students with blue ties launched themselves into a roaring cheer. Naos Al-Abbas smoothly walked down to that table. 

“Aldric, Edward!” Professor Flitwick continued. Now that James had an understanding of the Sorting, he calmed down, watching the short, blonde boy make his way to the stool. It would be a while until his name was called. As for Dai, he realised he didn’t know her last name. 

“What’s your last name?” he whispered. 

“What?” she whispered. 

“What’s your last—”

“GRYFFINDOR!” the hat yelled.

“What?” Dai said, louder. 

“Altair, Eltanin!” the professor read off. 

The dark haired student behind James stalked over to the Sorting Hat, hands fisted so tightly that his knuckles were white. James knew it was nerve-wracking, but the Sorting really wasn’t as important as that boy seemed to think it was. He needed to lighten up. The hat came over his head. Eltanin (what a strange name) was still as a statue. 

James hissed at Dai, “What’s your last name?”

“I can’t hear you over the sound of an important ceremony going on,” she hissed back.

“What’s your last name?” James said in a moderately loud tone, and everyone in his immediate vicinity glared his way.

Dai jabbed his ribs. “It’s Shut-Your-Face.”

“Nice to meet you, Dai Shut-Your-Face.”

The Hat was taking a long time. The whispering in the hall grew louder until, eventually being silenced as a single word rang out.

“SLYTHERIN!”

A stream of indecipherable emotions flew across Eltanin’s face as he threw the off Hat like it was diseased and almost stomped over to the table on the far right. That table cheered just as much as the other two had, but Eltanin seemed blind to it.

“Blaire, Julius!”

James was feeling antsy and glanced behind him, at the Professor’s table. The woman sitting in the middle chair must be the Headmistress, and she was slightly less terrifying than Dad had led him to believe. But only slightly. A scruffily bearded man with thick eyebrows and long brown hair frowned down on the students. 

Quickly, Julius Blaire followed Eltanin down to the Slytherin table, and Violet Brown made her way over to Gryffindor. James vaguely recognized her from the compartment he had broken into with Dai. The next student, “Chester, Dean,” James knew from the room they were waiting in before, and he made his way to Hufflepuff. His twin, Sammy, who James knew better, went to Gryffindor. 

Dai started to make little hops up and down, unable to contain her energy. James still wanted to know if she would be Sorted before him. The names started to blend together— a girl, Danse something, to Slytherin, another girl, Erikson, to Hufflepuff. The next student called, Rana Forrester, another girl from James and Dai’s adventures into vandalism, tripped on her way over to the stool, and a smattering of laughter rippled throughout the hall. She stumbled over to the Hufflepuff table, which welcomed her warmly. 

James noticed that Dai nearly started running in place with the next name, “Formac, Beid!” He stared at her. 

“You’re so calm, Dai, how do you do it?” he deadpanned. 

“Practice,” she huffed. 

Beid Formac ended up in Hufflepuff, and then Professor Flitwick called her name.

“Goldman, Diana!”

Dai actually yelled, “WHOO!” and ran to the stool, her arms held high in the air like a wrestling champion. James smacked his forehead in exasperation. At least now he knew her name, and now he would finally find out if he would lose his friend. He guessed nothing would be certain until he himself was Sorted, but the wait was horrendous. The whole House system sucked for splitting people up like that. Next chance he got he’d cause a riot against it in everyone’s dorms. Unless he and Dai ended up in the same House, in which case the system was actually perfectly reasonable and just.

The hat slid over her head, and she was practically vibrating with excitement. A moment passed, far too quickly, and the hat yelled that one beloved word, “GRYFFINDOR!”

James felt that maybe the world wasn’t such a horrible place after all. Although, now that his friend was Sorted he had no one to talk to. Even that other boy was gone, sitting grumpily at the Slytherin table. He supposed he could talk to himself. Yeah, why not? That wasn’t a sign of insanity, right? 

_ Right _ , answered a little voice inside his head.

“Greengrass, Stephanie,” was called next, and calmly walked to Ravenclaw. She was the last girl from the compartment where he had broadcasted his family heritage. That was a useful tactic, and he made sure to remember it for another time. Soon after that, Johanna Harwick hopped over to the Hufflepuff table. It reminded him of a bunny.  _ Man, I’m hungry _ , he thought. 

_ Maybe you should eat the bunny _ , said the voice in his head. 

_ No, I can’t resort to cannibalism. At least not yet anyway.  _ The Sorting couldn’t drag on that much longer. Clara Holmes was sent to Ravenclaw, while Peter Johnson, who, after an awkward pause, angrily called out, “It’s Percy, not Peter!” (Professor Flitwick didn’t seem to hear him), got sent to Hufflepuff alongside Bobby Karaoke. 

Suddenly, James felt a shiver run up his spine. He did not know how he knew, but a dark presence was looming directly behind him. A cloaked figure glided ominously toward the stool before his name was even called. 

“Ketricus, Rastaban,” squeaked Professor Flitwick, suddenly higher-pitched than before. He seemed somewhat nervous. “Excuse me, Mr. Ketricus, but you must take off your hood for the Sorting to take place.”

“No,” came a low, drawling voice. James could only see the boy’s mouth, the rest of his face enshrouded by the hood. The Deputy Headmaster gingerly lowered the Hat onto Rastaban’s hooded head, unable to argue with the shadowy figure, but before it could even touch him, it screamed, “SLYTHERIN!”

As he glided toward the Slytherin table, James wondered where his feet were, and if he was levitating. As he thought about it, he realised that Rastaban would make a  _ wonderful  _ mate. Imagine the prank possibilities— overflowing the boy’s restroom, covering all the owls in the Owlery with purple glitter, casual torture of their schoolmates— just fun, friendly activities. 

While James was occupied with his thoughts, the Sorting continued along normally. By now, the students in the Hall were barely keeping their voices down, and a few of the Professors even lapsed into friendly chatter. Evangeline Lovegood passed into Hufflepuff barely noticed or acknowledged, in the same way that Fergus MacLeod became a Gryffindor. Anko Mitsuhiko walked over to the Ravenclaw table amidst appropriate cheers, and James began to psyche himself up. As a Potter, he knew what to generally expect when his name was called. He fully intended to put on a show. 

But before that, a boy’s name was called. “McLaggen, Jeb!” The boy who walked toward the stool James knew distinctly from the waiting room off the Great Hall. He was the one who had nearly tackled him into next week. 

“Good luck, Potter!” James called mockingly. 

The boy, McLaggen, jerked angrily, but determinately sat down on the stool. James smirked, confident in his taunting. At least, up until the moment when McLaggen was sorted. Then, things suddenly became very, very different. 

McLaggen was sorted into Gryffindor, the same House as Dai.

His insides turned to ice.  _ Good job, James _ , he told himself.  _ You managed to piss off a person you might be seeing every morning for seven years. Brilliant, you are. _

A girl with the pretentious name of Mira Pemberton IV was sorted into Gryffindor as well, but James was no longer paying any attention to his surroundings. He was too focused upon how hugely he had screwed up his school life before it had even begun. 

“Pollux, Apollo,” stumbled over to the stool. The hat came over his round head, and James was still consumed by self-pity. 

“SLYTHERIN!” the hat yelled. The table of green-tied students cheered. Apollo began a slow trek down to that table. Time seemed to pass in tiny increments. The moon appearing on the ceiling shone in its waxing gibbous phase. A tiny cloud passed it by. 

When his name was finally called, James mentally jumped three feet. In reality, he only jumped one foot. 

“Potter, James!” Professor Flitwick squeaked. 

The Hall silenced. James swallowed heavily. Shaking out his hands, he strode forward. He really missed the comfortable layer of whispers overlying all the other student’s Sortings. But he was Harry Potter’s kid. He knew how things ended up. The back of his head burned from the intense scrutiny of the professors behind him. 

He stood in front of the stool and took in the intent faces of the Hogwart’s student population.  _ Yikes. _ He focused specifically on the Gryffindor table and saw Dai giving him two thumbs up. He smiled back at her. His attention wavered to the seat across from Dai, where McLaggen sat, and his smile faltered. There was something about McLaggen’s posture that was strange, but James didn’t give it more thought as he moved to sit down. 

Suddenly a projectile sped directly toward his head from the Gryffindor table and it took everything he had to duck before he became a one-eyed wonder. With a dull  _ thunk _ , the object impaled the Headmistress’s pedestal in the midst of a shocking silence. 

James’ mouth fell open as he stared at the object. 

It was a fork. 

In a second the Great Hall blew up. Every single student immediately started screaming at each other, in a complete and utter uproar over the attack. Professor Flitwick tried to frantically calm the other first years down, and James backed up so he was away from the stool. At last the Headmistress took control. 

“ENOUGH!” her amplified voice streamed over the frantic students. The hysteria receded, her stern voice acting as a balm. Headmistress McGonagall took a moment to stare down at the students, sitting in a guilty silence. Her stare spoke of her disappointment. Eventually she lingered her gaze on the Gryffindor table. 

In a voice of tightly controlled fury, she spoke again. “I do not know what warranted this  _ unacceptable _ use of violence, but actions like that are  _ not permitted _ in this school. I suggest you take this as a  _ warning _ for the future, that the next students who  _ dare  _ to commit such a vulgar act will immediately be  _ expelled _ without question. Am I  _ understood _ ?” She stared down at the students again, making it feel like everyone was individually singled out and accused of committing the “vulgar act.” Nobody spoke, but the Headmistress didn’t expect anyone to. She sat down and nodded toward Professor Flitwick to continue. 

“Ah, right, yes,” Professor Flitwick said. “Onward with the Sorting, Mr. Potter!”

James wanted to puke, because he thought he knew who threw the fork. He didn’t know if he still wanted to go to Gryffindor. He cautiously came over to the stool again and sat down, fidgeting, and scanning his surroundings for any thrown spoons or butter knives. Then Flitwick placed the Sorting Hat over his head and he couldn’t see anything anymore. 

_ Damn, now I can’t see if anyone’s throwing forks at my head!  _ James thought. 

_ “It’s not everyday that you hear a sentence like that from a student!”  _ said a voice from inside his mind. An unfamiliar one. 

_ What? What’s going on? Am I actually insane? I knew it. _

_ “No, no… I am the Sorting Hat, here to find where you belong.” _

_ That is an excuse I would totally use,  _ James thought.

_ “Shush boy… let’s see, clever, yes, in abundance. Cunning too, and with a deep loyalty toward friends and family…” _

Deciding to brave McLaggen’s wrath, James thought to the Hat,  _ I need to go to Gryffindor.  _

_ “That is not up to you. I will send you where you need to be, which just so happens to be…” _

“GRYFFINDOR!” reverberated throughout the room. 

James snatched the hat off his head in one spastic movement, and scanned his surroundings. The Gryffindor table had erupted into half-hearted cheers, like they were afraid of making noise under Headmistress McGonagall’s stern look. In fact, James’ Sorting had been the quietest all evening. Luckily, nothing was thrown at him again. James sprinted to his appointed table in a half crouch, so as to be a smaller target. 

He really didn’t want his parents to find out about his Sorting. He’d just worry them. Next chance he got, James’ll bribe Teddy again, just to be sure. 

Dai was smiling broadly and clapping the loudest. As James took a seat next to her, she patted him on the back. 

“Great job on that dodge!” she said. “Couldn’t have done it better myself!” Then she did something peculiar, and nodded her head toward McLaggen very casually. She widened her eyes, smile completely gone. 

James shook his head. He didn’t want anyone else to get involved in his problems. But he felt McLaggen’s hate-laden stare. James very carefully avoided it.

The Sorting continued. The next student, Eustace Prim, was very hesitant to sit on the stool, but with Flitwick’s wand poised, no one dared to throw cutlery. The Ravenclaws cheered for him twice as loudly as the Gryffindors had cheered for James.

“Rain, Kevin!”

James whispered to Dai, “It’s a shame your snake’s going to be uncomfortable, now that you’re in Gryffindor.” 

“Oh, Charlie can adapt,” Dai said. Rolling up her sleeve, it took everything James had not to burst into laughter induced tears. She had brought her snake with her.

“SLYTHERIN!”

It took hardly a second for “Salvaje, Elinda!” to be Sorted into Slytherin as well, and then “Smith, Maximillian!” became a Hufflepuff. After that, John Suttering went to Ravenclaw. The next student caused Dai to go on a small rant.

“Trillian, Karin!”

“Who does she think she is?!” Dai seethed. “Princess Leia?!”

Grandpa Arthur had once shown them an old muggle movie called Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. James had loved it, though he found the Force to be a very limited use of magic. Albus had fallen asleep halfway through so James had written “NOOB” on his forehead. Good times.

Karin Trillian’s hair was inexplicably braided into two buns on the side of her head. “Big Star Wars fan?” James suggested.

Dai snorted and shook her head. “She is officially on my hit list.”

“Because of her hair?”

“Because of her hair.”

She was Sorted into Slytherin, which just so happened to line up with ye olde House rivalries. Now if only McLaggen was in another House.

Kelly Vega was Sorted next, a girl who both James and Dai had met before. The chipper girl went over to Hufflepuff.

Then something miraculous occurred, that James still to this day could not understand. Professor Flitwick called the next name, “Vuthos, Cadius!”

At first, it looked like no one would step forward. There was one first year still standing in front of the Professor’s table, and James wondered why the black-haired girl didn’t respond… His eyes snapped to a slight movement next to her, and he realised that there were  _ two _ people still standing, not just one, and the other person was walking down to the stool.

And that person, that first year, was easily the height of a full-grown man.

_ It was impossible! _ How could anyone overlook such a huge boy in the midst of others half his size! He shared a look with Dai, who was just as shocked as he was, if not more so.

“How?” he whispered.

“He’s got the lowest presence I’ve ever seen,” she whispered back. “I think we all just dismissed him.”

James furrowed his brows. There was an awkward pause when the tiny Professor Flitwick had to levitate the Sorting Hat onto the half-giant boy’s head. A ripple of laughter spread throughout the hall. Cadius’ face lit up bright red, which clashed horribly with his ginger hair. 

James stared at him. He was determined not to lose track of him again. The Hat fit Cadius’ head like a hat should, instead of it coming down over his eyes, like it had with James. A moment passed where James knew the Hat was talking to its wearer, and then, just like every other student, the Hat called out a House. 

“GRYFFINDOR!”

James clapped along with the rest of his housemates, confusedly watching Cadius quietly walk over to his table. He sat down on the opposite side from James and Dai, next to a blonde boy that James had already forgotten the name of. 

The last person was Sorted and James was so distracted with keeping Cadius in view that he didn’t catch her name or her house. When the Hall grew silent again he knew he had to look up and take stock of what was going on. Headmistress McGonagall had stood up. 

After one long stern gaze upon the Hogwarts population, she said, “Welcome, old and new, to another year at our beloved school. Let the feast begin!”

And the feast began. 

**Author's Note:**

> We appreciate all constructive criticism and other such evaluations of our work. It really means a lot to us, and we value each and every review like precious gems— no, they are something even more precious. We value them as much as cookies. We value them more than cookies!
> 
> Our plans for this story are extensive, so please stay tuned! This story is going to be a long and wild ride.


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